Okay, so it is Day 3 of my student teaching apprenticeship at a local elementary school, and I am going through the [usual?] manic doubts about my career choice. I love ART. I love education. I have excelled exceptionally over the years in my university’s art teacher program. I have been the teacher’s pet. I have been “the one who is going to change the face of art education in the future!” …
Why am I so suddenly unsure of this choice???
Why am I scared witless about taking over my mentor teacher’s 4th grade class on Friday??
I visited the high school I will transition to and begin teaching mid-semester on Monday. Just walking in the hallways I felt more at ease. It’s the politics and the details of teaching at the elementary level that unnerves me. The hokey rules, the corny mantras, the fake high-pitched inflection in voices, the waking up at 5:30 a.m., THE TEACHERS’ LOUNGE. *shivers in disgust* I made up an excuse today to eat lunch in the classroom, so I wouldn’t have to go back there.
I know it is only natural to have these doubts so early on… I have barely dipped my toe in the water. I have to just dive in. I know there are good reasons I chose this practice…in THEORY. I can’t get over how proud I am of myself for even choosing it and being here now—on the cusp of graduating and being a certified art teacher. The second half of the semester at the high school will be amazing. I just know it. I only have to get through these next seven weeks to prove that to myself. It’s okay to feel this way. Just add my self-deprecating sense of humor to the mix and you’ve got a total dunce who is no-doubt causing this mentor teacher of mine extreme concern so far. Oh, well…
Add to all of this some car trouble this week + lack of sleep and it equals one battie Adie.
Coming home to a vase full of irises from my better half this evening made me feel tons better.
Having one of my best friends tell me she would rather see me spend my time being an artist rather than an art teacher certainly did not!
…
UPDATE:
I began typing this [possibly my most extremely exposing tumblr entry to date] nearly two weeks ago. Since saving it as a draft that day, I have only had ONE nervous break down, enjoyed tremendous support and encouragement from those nearest and dearest to me, and experienced the epiphany that I would be insane to quit this endeavor when I am so close to the end. I have made HUGE strides in asserting myself as an authority figure to my new students and gained the respect of my very tough/strict cooperating teacher. I’m going to make it. It’s overwhelming knocking on the door of the accomplishments you’ve been working towards for years and years…
I’m still just digging in my heels until I get to the High School portion of my apprenticeship in March, because I know when I get there it will be FUN. I can use complex vocabulary and teach deeper concepts and fight off all the teenage boys that will inevitably develop crushes on me. It’s going to be great. :)
In the meantime, I’m going to finish writing my “Cézanne Landscape Using Torn Paper” lesson plan for 2nd grade and turn in for bed early…
